Dear Guru of Wondrous Car Wisdom,
Thank you for the tips and I will take them into consideration next time I suspect my wife of cheating. First, I must apologize for my horrible spelling for I was in quite a distraught state of mind when I was typing the letter. Second, you spurred my interest in your response and I am curious if you could give me some suggestions about “interpersonal relations” in a car. I have been told that a large back seat is a good start, but are there other options, modifications or preparations to make the experience better? Maybe a new vehicle, such as a compact SUV with fold up or removable seats will do the job? My wife and I have reconciled and she has forgiven my paranoia about her cheating. She understands that her beauty can tempt other men to lust over her. None-the-less, my wife and I do enjoy your videos and hope that maybe you could inform us about how to get the best possible “interpersonal relation” out of our car. It is a large Beast of a car. Any suggestions will be appreciated!
Curiously yours,
Back Seat Bandit
Dear Back Seat Bandit,
Well, you have once again chosen your forum for advice wisely because, as a young and robust man, I have had the pleasure of attempting interpersonal relationships in a vehicle. Fortunately, I am able to pass on some information about getting in the mood on four wheels. Let me tell you a little story about vehicles and love.
I have a friend who, at the ripe age of 16, thought it was a good idea to get a van. Now, being a young adult with nothing on my mind but cars, politics, loud stereos and punk music, could think of nothing worse than buying a big, brown cargo van. To make matters worse, what woman in her right mind wants to be seen in a cargo van? They want to be in the passenger seat of a fast, sporty car. As far as I was concerned, buying a van was a sure way to kill your ability for ladying.
When the day came that my father let me drive his Triumph, I was ecstatic. It was red, pretty and had no top. I thought girls would flock to this car. If I were a girl, I would have come up and talked to me just to check out this pretty ride. Something else entirely happened. The old, balding men would talk to me, asking me all sorts of questions about the Triumph. The girls paid no attention. To make matters worse, when I finally got a girl into the car to do a little necking I ran into some problems. First of all, the car is so tight that necking is solely an oral activity. When you finally get into it, the open top invites all kinds of people to bring themselves over to destroy the mood.
Due to my own difficulties in automobile embracing, I have dreamt up the perfect vehicle to do such a task:
What you need to start with is a big cube van in very nice shape. Girls are partial to clean and nice looking things, so remember this when you are selecting your van. Also, if the van is in nice shape people will think you are less creepy. It should have no windows in the back portion, or if it does they must be very heavily tinted. This allows the participants to forget about the outside world.
The van must have a stereo. This is more important than anything else. Almost all girls like a big stereo system, they just might not know it yet. You will need a system that embraces balance between great sound and plenty of bass. The tunes allow the both of you to relax and get into the mood. Also, there is something about hearing “Summer Time” by Warren G that makes a girl weak in the knees. Or is it the vibrations that have more to do with it?
The van must have a soft and comfortable sitting area. A waterbed is best, but any bed will do and it must be clean. The sheets and blankets should be washed frequently and smell fresh. Trust me, your girl will be blown away by the smell of fresh laundry.
To create the right ambiance you need walls. Wood paneling is a good idea because it is inexpensive and easy to install. For extra points, you could even put up velvet curtains over the paneling to make the van soft and more inviting. This creates a more living-room-feel to the room and makes everyone more comfortable.
You could also install a mirror ball or red lights. This gets the mood just right so you can mess up that nice bed you took a long time making. There is something about different colored lights that make people crave some down time. I don’t quite know what it is, but trust me.
There you have it, a prime shagging wagon with everything you need to have interpersonal relationships. I would still recommend the little red sports car because although they do not have much room, it still has a much larger cool factor than a van. Even though you can’t get intimate inside of the little car you can always take your game into the house. If you can’t go inside due to the presence of family members, dress up nice, drive to a hotel in your sports car and get a room. It is much more romantic and you don’t have to make the bed in the morning! Ultimately, the choice is yours: the ambient van that parks anywhere or the sexy little sports car that can be used also to make yourself look cool.
Good Luck!
-Bailey